Updated: Jun 9
I am not weight obsessed. This journey that I've been traveling has evolved and changed and grown so many times.. Once a upon a time, that number was what lead me. I was driven to be skinny and reach the golden digits on that scale and all would be right in the world.
It was 100% vanity, I was trying to look my best. I was not thinking at all about how I felt and what I was able to do.. I was dieting hard core, salads, and fat free and blech. And I lost the weight and then I gained it all back and the cycle began again.
Eventually I got it sort of figured out and realized that the number was just an illusion that did not really portray the true and complete picture. I focused on feeling good, having energy, getting plenty of rest and the weight loss fell in line. And the scale did not have as much influence or power over me. In fact I was able to recognize it was just one piece of data, one small part of the algebraic equation that is my good health solution.
I was sailing along nicely, a little bitty blip during the beginning of Covid, but that also worked itself out because there was nothing to do at the onset except exercise and exercise some more.. not healthy either I realized spending 4-5 hours a day doing some form of exercise.. so I expanded my horizons and found a healthy balance of activities like reading more and painting and of course grabbing as much time as possible with my new grandson born in May 2020 that brought me some joy.
After holding strong and steady for quite some time, recently the scale has begun to creep up.. and I was pretty much ignoring it.. it's just a number right.. I don't determine how well I'm doing by that number. I pay attention to other things, like my jeans being snug.. nope.. that didn't do it this time (probably dried them too long).. I let it go a bit further until Victoria could no longer hide the fact that I had gained more weight than I am comfortable carrying. She kept pinching me saying wake up girl.. you are losing control.
So I find myself trying to find the right mindset again to be thoughtful in my choices. Truth be told I'm kind of sick of the whole thing. Or at least talking/thinking about it. I am not tired of feeling good, I am not tired of eating well or working out, because I choose foods that I love to eat and activities that are fun and beneficial. I am sick of the equation. How much, when, what combinations. So my bad attitude it just compounding my current situation.
This morning I feel like saying go ahead Vicky - tell the world, my panties are too tight.. I think the people in my kickboxing class may have already noticed on their own anyway so have at it..
But that is just being spiteful and the only one it is hurting is me. I must take some time, clear my head and claw my way back to my happy place where the choices flow naturally and in the right direction. So I will put on my Victoria Secret panties as a reminder of where I am currently and where I would like to once again be. And it's really only a few steps away, but I must get moving now. It's up to me.