We opened the pool over two weeks ago. It looked like it was going to clear easily and quickly. Instead it got worse and it is still green. And it is making me crazy. I have been fixated on this and it is eating at me. Even though the weather spiked a day or two into crazy hot temperatures, it hasn't been unbearable. Yet here I sit...frustrated, angry and sad.
It isn't about the stupid pool I know that. But I have chosen this object to focus my disillusionment. I haven't been myself recently. I've been bottling up feelings and thoughts because I'm tired of constant misunderstanding, perceptions and accusations. I spend time each day to make sure I am in a good space to be my best self and show kindness and compassion and I feel I am fairly successful. I do not claim to be a saint, can I sometimes strike out in anger, yes. We all have I imagine. But to have every single thought, word or conversation dissected, why say anything at all? It is exhausting to always have to worry what words could possibly be misconstrued or tone of voice might be perceived to have a hidden meaning.
However, silence doesn't suit me. Shutting down only seems to be giving power to the circumstances and dimming my light. The quieter I get, the more anger builds. Internalizing is never good for any of us.
We need an outlet.. often times what we reach for isn't the healthiest thing or most wise thing. I am working on choosing wisely, filing my days and nights with things that bring me great joy, to help me to work through stress and clear my mind so that I can do the hard work emotionally. A few weeks ago these words kept bouncing around my brain... Yesterday I felt the need to share them into the universe.
I continue to grow, I am changing and evolving other people in my life have become stagnant. This is weighing heavily on my heart and occupying space in my head.
The stupid pool is still green...I am the pool, green with envy of the girl who did not let other people pull her down. Where has she gone? Has she forgotten how to swim? Will she ever come back? Can someone toss me a life vest?