Rosie's Journey of Mind, Spirit and Body - Path of understanding

Hello all. I’m sorry I’ve been remiss in writing lately. I admit that I have been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster, and expressing how I have felt as of late isn’t always easy.

I have had extreme highs and lows in my emotional cycle, and it’s been this way since December. I suspect that this has been part of my COVID recovery.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR DISORDERED EATING

Although I have always assumed that I was a binge eater, which is an eating disorder, I am a part of another kind of disordered eating that we don’t talk about enough. I have learned some things in the last few months.

We are brought up in a society that tells us the definition of beauty. We are told by medical professionals our whole life that to be healthy; we need to be a certain number. Counting calories and steps is part of our everyday lives. Our worth is based on these magic numbers for many of us.

I have talked about numbers and their effect on me. But I gradually understood that those numbers have a more significant impact than I realized. I often said a scale is just a number, which isn’t vital. But even as I said that, I was lying to myself.

I have spent so much of my life not living because I was terrified of the after-effects of those things. The idea of not going to an event was always the better choice for me because I couldn’t handle what the consequences could potentially be.

As I’ve slowly stepped away from weight loss culture but still had my toe in it, I would be triggered by someone worrying about gaining .6 pounds or only losing 1 pound. I was triggered by people who had hit their goals and continued to lose. Going to group chats became harder too. Not because I didn’t like the people, but because the conversations were triggering. At the time, I thought it was that I simply couldn’t relate. But now I realize it was starting to trigger visceral reactions in my life.

I’ve come to believe that those of us with disordered tendencies are sort of gaslit. We get told that we have to meet certain expectations, and if we don’t meet them, it is our fault. It can’t be that the arbitrary ideal weight (for example) is not healthy or realistic. When being told by a doctor that you are in perfect health except for your weight every year for most of your life, is it shocking that I have crappy body issues?

We all want to be accepted and loved. We all search for that thing that will make us better. But the world we are in doesn’t consider what damage it causes. Being terrified to interact with people, binging on better foods but still binging, scared to listen to other people's stories, isn’t the life for anyone to live.

Life is complex and layered, as I have been spending the last three years digging deep and constantly finding new things about myself. This isn’t an easy thing to express. It’s terrifying. I am painstakingly considering each paragraph, each sentence, and even every word as I write this.

Part of this journey has always been to be open to others about my life. Maybe sharing these thoughts speaks to someone else. But I also have to understand that I need to love, honour and understand myself. I need to get how and why I behave the way I do.

The path of healing leads to understanding. It isn’t a straight path, and there are traps along the way. But it is so worth working your way through. You will eventually make your way through to the clearing with animals, grass, beaches and joy. I know I will get to that clearing someday. It’s just a longer journey than I had planned.