Rosie's Journey of Mind, Spirit and Body: High Anxiety

This past week has been a hard one for me. I haven't slept as well as I usually do. My back is stiff, and I started a mini binge. I didn't want to do much of anything except maybe cry.

This week, I realized that I was anxious while on one of my walks.

For me, anxiety sits in my chest like a weight. Occasionally it's like a vice on my upper body so tight that I almost can't breathe. It will creep up on me when I least expect it. Often I think it is out of the blue, but in connecting with my inner self, I often discover that it is a slow burn, like a chilli simmering on low heat, getting ready to be the best thing ever. I know anxiety is not the best thing ever, but the chilli analogy works in this case, and I currently have chilli on the stove, so it works.

What was the cause of the current round of anxiety? I spent some time digging deep into my feelings, trying to figure out what was going on in my head. I went through my standard list, and none of the usual suspects were on that list. Yes! There is a list of those things that trigger my anxiety.

What did I know? That I was eating more than usual. It's snacking, standing and eating instead of sitting at a table, conscious of what food goes into my mouth. I kept asking myself why am I eating like this. But I couldn't find the answer. I also was randomly crying and feeling flustered about nothing specific. It is unusual for me that I can't figure out what is going on in my head these days.

But I did realize something:

My anxiety will never be cured. It is a part of me as eye or hair colour. It is how I react to that anxiety when it rears its ugly head that is up to me.

It's so easy to think we are cured of things and move on. Then the shock that we are back there again makes us feel as if we have failed. Someone recovering from any form of addiction will tell you that addiction is always a part of you. I shouldn't be surprised that anxiety works in the same way. Often addictive behaviours are triggered by anxiety. So it makes sense.

So how do I get through these moments? I can give up, crawl into bed and eat my face off until it goes away, which had been my past pattern. It's not helpful for me to do this. I need to remind myself that my feelings are legitimate. Embracing who I am even in moments of anxiety is super important to work through it. I am primarily in control of how I deal with those moments. I may not be 100% be able to see it coming, but I can control how I react. Talking myself down has been so helpful. Finding other ways to focus my energy has been essential.

After a lot of self-reflection, realizing the cause of this round of anxiety: I have been recovering from COVID since the Christmas holidays started, so I didn't get a real break. It's been eight weeks, and I'm still in recovery mode. I haven't exercised like I usually do, and I genuinely think that activity is my outlet for anxiety. It has a bonus that I sleep better.

As I have said many times in this blog, I am imperfect. I don't have all the answers, but I have learned to accept my imperfections and embrace them. I take each of these moments in my life to know and understand myself a little bit better than I was the moment before. It creates a richer, more well-rounded person, ready to face a little better next time.