Updated: Mar 21, 2022
It’s confession time: I am obsessed with numbers!!
At a very early age, we learn that numbers are equal to the worth of whatever we are measuring. The higher marks you get mean you’re more intelligent. If you make more money in a job, you are more successful. Our beauty and worth are the numbers on a scale or BMI chart. When it comes to age, especially as a woman, you are told younger (under 30) and older (over 60) are of more value in society.
As someone who has lived most of my life with anxiety, adding numbers to the mix doesn’t help in any way, shape or form. I have spent a lot of time so focused on numbers that it has heightened my anxiety to the point of panic. I have been led to believe by society and myself that those numbers are genuine and vital to who I am as a person.
“Appreciate the craftsmanship and quality of a local vintner who brings the musk melon goodness to his oak Chardonnay and the dazzling peach cral-bapple to his Riesling Rioja.” - Moira Rose.
As I have moved one year closer to 50, that number doesn’t scare me. I appreciate my craftsmanship and quality. You should check out my dazzling cral-bapple Reisling Rioja! I am so comfortable with that number that I know it truly is just a number.
So let’s get to that pesky number on the scale.
I recently switched from a number scale to the Shapa scale (it tells you your progress using a colour system). The point is to retrain the brain, removing the often psychological stress that a number can cause the brain. Truthfully, you can find the number you weigh by looking in the apple health app.
I have been saying a long time that the number on the scale doesn’t matter. If that’s the case, why am I bothering at looking at that number after I do the Shapa? And why does that number still affect me if it’s so unimportant?
I accept that I am way more than a number designated to me in whatever form, but that doesn’t mean it is easy to let go of that. Even in our strongest moments, we can go back to where we were, not because there is something wrong with us, but because that is what we know, are used to and may even be comfortable.
After 40+ years of being so focused on numbers, I know I will slip up and go into my obsessive behaviour. I also know that I can talk myself down faster than I used to. Although I may be going through it now, I understand that part of those crunchy bits makes me who I am. Each time I go through it, it will last a shorter time and be a little fainter in my head. There isn’t a cure for what I go through, but I will make it through those rough spots through understanding and compassion.